Waiting for Shepherd

ETHIOPIA

Lee and I flew out of Baton Rouge on June 28. We stopped in Houston, Texas and Frankfurt, Germany before finally arriving in Ethiopia late at night on June 29. There is an 8-hour time difference, which I don’t think our bodies ever got used to! I was basically exhausted the entire time we were there. By the time we got our luggage and made it through customs (think “2 hours!”), it was around midnight local time when we got to our hotel. That would have been fine, except that midnight in ET is 4 in the afternoon here. A sleeping pill worked wonders that first night. It was the only complete night of sleep I got the whole time!

On June 30 we met our 2 year old little boy. Whatever color your skin is, imagine someone of a very drastically different color who doesn’t speak English making an appearance in your church nursery’s 2 year old classroom and trying to take one of the kids out of there. Oh, and also, try to convince that kid it’s his mommy. Disaster! Over the past 14 months, I have watched countless adoption blog videos of parents meeting their children for the first time. Babies don’t really put up a fuss when they are passed to their new mommy and daddy. They are just content to be loved on. Older children realize that they are getting a family, and although they may be shy, they typically understand what’s going on and welcome it. (Those videos get my tears flowing faster than anything else.) But, it occurs to me now that I have seen very few, if any, videos with new parents meeting their toddler for the first time. And now I know why! If I were to post our “meetcha” day video on here, you would have to turn down the volume on your computer!

So, day 1 was awful. We met him that morning, left for lunch, and then returned for more tears and snot in the afternoon. I left the transition home (where he currently lives) feeling literally sick to my stomach. I didn’t expect him to run to us smiling with open arms, but I had not prepared myself for THAT! I emailed some of our closest friends, our pastor, and our family coordinator at America World and asked them to PLEASE PRAY because it was so bad. Luckily, we were able to skype with our girls that evening and see their sweet faces, which made me feel better. We had also met 2 other families also adopting with our agency, and they invited us to dinner, so I had something to keep my mind occupied and not dwell on it too much. Otherwise, I think I might have just cried until I couldn’t cry anymore! My heart was hurting and it wouldn’t stop. But, God was with me, and I felt that in my heart too, right along with all the hurt. I have been reading through the Psalms, and the one for that day was Psalm 38, which says:

“I am feeble and utterly crushed; I groan in anguish of heart. All my longings lie open before you, O LORD; my sighing is not hidden from you.” Psalm 38:8-9

I knew this Psalm was no coincidence. God had saved it for June 30, because He knew that I would be in “anguish of heart” and He wanted to remind me that He was there. My “sighing was not hidden from Him!” This was like medicine to my aching heart. I decided not to be discouraged. This little boy has had a tougher life than I can even fathom, and he doesn’t owe me anything. All he knows is that everyone he has ever trusted has deserted him. No wonder he has a wall built up around his little heart! He’s just trying to protect it.

On day 2, he cried a lot the first hour or so, but then he decided he would hold my hand and walk with me. Anytime I tried to love on him or put him down and play with him, he got upset and started crying. Anytime one of his nannies walked by or he saw the window to his room, he started crying. But, walking around and around for 2 hours was MUCH better than the first day, so my heart hurt a little less. He was very happy with his nannies, and when we left him in the afternoon, he laughed and waved at us through the safety of his window. I felt like he wanted to trust us, but wouldn’t allow himself to get too close.

Day 3 was even better. Less crying at the beginning of our time together, more walking around holding hands. He enjoyed stopping to watch the older kids playing soccer or cards outside. I found a spot to sit and he actually sat in my lap and let me cuddle him. When I stood up to leave, he wrapped his arms around me and held onto me in a hug. That was major progress! We still never saw him smile, but he seemed to be warming up to us a little bit. On this day, he did so much better that when we brought him back to his room, his nannies started clapping and cheering for him! It was really encouraging to feel like we had their support.

Days 4-5 got better and better, with small steps of trust building each day. For a while, he wouldn’t accept any toys we offered him. (And I brought some really cool stuff!) But, on these 2 days, he began to take the toys we brought him. He looked at a book with me and pointed at the pictures. He let me cuddle him more and more. Again, at the end of the day, when he was safely back in his room with his nannies, he would smile and point at us and laugh. He is definitely attached to those ladies, even though he has only lived at the transition home since earlier this year.

On day 6, our last day, we only had about 2 hours to spend with him. This day was the best of all! He only cried a little bit when we took him from his nanny. Then he wanted to play and read with us more than usual. Up until this day, he wouldn’t allow us to give him any food. He wouldn’t even eat his food in our presence! Today was different. He accepted food from us without much protest. About 30 minutes before we had to say goodbye, someone brought out his dinner. I started to feed him (although he can use a spoon really well by himself), and he bit down on the spoon. He wouldn’t let go of it, and then he started laughing! We had not seen him smile ALL week and all of a sudden, he was not only smiling, he was teasing me! Every time I put the spoon in his mouth, he bit down and started to laugh. It was fantastic! By the end of the bowl, he and I were both wearing his dinner, but I didn’t mind. He finally opened up to me, and I got a glimpse of how things can be, once he learns to know and trust us.

We were very sad to leave him. I kissed his sweet little cheeks over and over and told him mommy was coming back. I am praying that he will remember me, even a little tiny bit, when we return. I am praying that the seeds of trust that were planted on this trip will quickly grow into a deeper trust and love. It will not be easy. But, nothing that comes easy is worth it anyway! Until we can go back and hold him in our arms again, I am trusting God to uphold me. The timetable is still uncertain. It is not as quick as I think it should be. But, it’s out of my hands and in much more capable ones!!

“My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.” Psalm 63:8